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Submitted on
November 26, 2011
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Creative Commons License
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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
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October 15th
1:21 A.M.
I don't know where to begin.
I don't know what to do.

1:26 A.M.
Have you lost as much sleep as I have?
Are you tired too?

1:39 A.M.
I fell asleep last night with your letters by my side.
I never gave up on you.

1:42 A.M.
Was it wrong of me to think I could keep you?

1:44 A.M.
I always thought this feeling would be mine alone.

1:46 A.M.
You're everything to me.
I'm nothing you.

It's plain and simple, really.

1:55 A.M.
They said you weren't coming back.
I didn't want to believe them, I wanted to hear it from you.

2:06 A.M.
Are you still here?

2:07 A.M.
I can't find you.

2:11 A.M.
I thought I lost you somewhere among the twists
And the turns
And the dead ends.

But you were never really there at all.

2:16 A.M.
So I'll burn all my bridges and leave this all behind.
I'll erase every smile and take back every sigh.

2:29 A.M.
I won't stop until I can breathe you in again.

2:38 A.M.
This is it.
This is what being helpless feels like.

And I don't like it one bit.

2:56 A.M.
So I'll swallow hard and blink away the tears.
I'll turn away and I'll bite my tongue
And I'll try not to show the sadness in my eyes.

The slightest thing could give me away.

3:02 A.M.
Do you speak of me?
Am I ever on your mind?
I must confess, you run circles around my conscience.

3:04 A.M.
I don't want you to think I forgot.

3:05 A.M.
So, beautiful, won't you smile for me?
~
I still love you.

[link]

[link]



For critique:
~ Does having a nameless piece fit with the tone or mood of the piece? If not, what should the title be?
~ Is the piece too choppy? It was written as a jumble of thoughts. is there little consistency, and no flow?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconxalidos:
Xalidos Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I enjoyed it, as it is definately a very visual piece. You have to paint your own picture. I would recommend not doing the timestamps however, in my own opinion it takes away from the writing and gives the subtle hint that I'm reading one side of a chat log.
Reply
:icongypsy2222:
Gypsy2222 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011
Pretty good...

Wonderful in that it's honest, unpretentious...

Gypsy~
Reply
:iconwolflaf:
WolfLAF Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011
uck, this how i been feeling lately
Reply
:icontheamericanaverage:
TheAmericanAverage Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2011
It's horrible. I hope you feel better.
Reply
:iconwolflaf:
WolfLAF Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2011
yea, thanks
Reply
:iconshshinshel573:
shshinshel573 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011
Wow... this is great.. I love it.
Reply
:icontheamericanaverage:
TheAmericanAverage Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011
Thank you very much(:
Reply
:iconshshinshel573:
shshinshel573 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011
Anytime (:
Reply
:iconi-am-kai:
I-AM-KAI Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011
What an amazing and beautiful piece, I love it, I truly think having no name on the piece makes it possible for the reader to relate to it more easily, as while they know it is the thoughts and feelings of the writer ... it could so easily have been my thoughts I was reading down on that page. I think the flow is there in like a very subtle fashion and it allows the piece to work .. while still letting the thoughts be random and jumbled just like a mind would throw them out.
Fantastic!
Kai.
Reply
:icontheamericanaverage:
TheAmericanAverage Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011
Thank you very much for your critique, it is much appreciated :3
Reply
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